Being a process server in OKC is no joke. We tend to run into some very colorful folks, such as angry husbands, misfit grandmas, and irate business owners. However, serving papers to a clan of rednecks is a whole ‘nother story, son. If you’re a process sever in Oklahoma City and haven’t served a gun-toting redneck from the hills yet, consider yourself lucky. It’s bound to happen one day, though, and you need to be prepared.
Consider the following scenario:
You have court papers to serve the neighborhood hicks concerning unpaid merchandise from the local Rent-A-Center. Perhaps it’s a microwave or a gun rack. You drive down a long, winding dirt road that seems to go on forever. You find yourself heading into an area that’s densely populated with trees and other forestry. Your heart begins to race a little bit. What will you find out there? The people from the “Hills Have Eyes?”
Before you get too worked up, you touch your chest and remember you donned a bulletproof vest for this very countrified excursion. You also take comfort in the fact that you decided to take advantage of the concealed weapons law: 53 Oklahoma Stat. Ann. § 1290.4. You have a nice little Berretta resting under your shirt on your hip.
Finally, you see a dilapidated shack at the end of the road. There’s chickens and barefoot children running around everywhere. The kids take one look at your car and start running for the house yelling, “Pa! Pa! They’s a fancy lookin’ feller here!” It is at that moment that “Pa” emerges.
The man is a redneck bruiser of a human being. Not only is he giving you the stink eye, he’s carrying a shotgun. You contemplate just turning around, but you can’t. You put the car in park and open the door. You ask the redneck his name and he says, “Who wants to know?” You tell him that Rent-A-Center has a beef with him over unpaid merchandise. The redneck shakes his head and tells you to tell Rent-A-Center to get bent.
“OK, this is going well,” you think to yourself. You ask the man who looks like a cast member from “Deliverance” if his name is Cletus Sisterbanger. He shakes his head, “Yes.” You hand him the paperwork and say the infamous line of your trade, “You’ve been served,” and begin to walk away.
Cletus yells after you, “Them folks at that there Rent-A-Center ain’t gittin’ their microwave back!” You feel the hair on the back of your neck begin to rise. You know Cletus is pointing that shotgun at you. You slowly turn around and to your surprise, Cletus is not pointing a shotgun at you. Instead, he’s deep-kissing one of the chickens. You run to your car and do a burnout in the driveway.
The reason you didn’t get your head blown off by Cletus the Redneck, is because you’re a trained process server of Oklahoma City. You said all the right words and didn’t waste any time serving Cletus with the court documents. You also protected yourself with a flak vest and a gun.
Moral of the story? A good process server never makes eye contact with a hillbilly redneck who’s making out with a chicken.