Instead of months or years in battle, divorce mediation has turned out to be one of the top methods for people to get their disagreements worked out. Unlike typical divorce litigation, mediation is a much more personal and collaborative method that comes with reduced fees. By and large, divorcing and separated loved ones from the Oklahoma Town, Edmond, Moore, Norman, and all of those areas inside Oklahoma find that mediation provides possibilities they want so that they can cope with discrepancies.
The intent behind mediation is to guide spouses in addressing issues, including property settlement, child custody and visitation schedules, child and spousal support, and the division of responsibilities, all in a relatively amiable setting.
Knowing what sabotages a mediation process and being able to recognize what will undermine negotiations can help couples avoid some of the common pitfalls. Identifying the problems ahead of time also makes the process work better, and it helps both spouses to have a better understanding of what to expect when undergoing the dispute resolution process. Here are 8 different strategies that couples in disputes tend to rely on to undermine a mediation service, and that mediators strive to prevent them from doing so as well.
Understanding Why Divorce Mediation Gets Derailed
It’s so uncommon for a divorce to only be an act that involves the law and no emotion at all. Most divorces occur because the marital relationship isn’t working. Whether it has been failing for years or it is something that comes to an end fairly rapidly, the break-up is going to be an emotional experience for one or both people in the marriage.
One or both spouses may feel unsure of where their finances are going, whether they will have the opportunity to continue spending time with their kids, experience betrayal from the spouse, feel guilt, have anxiety, fear, sadness, or a mix and combination of any of these emotions.
Emotions often rise, sink, fluctuate, turn, spin… and can wreak havoc on the mediation process. A power-hungry spouse will stop the progress by dragging out decision-making. A Hurt spouse will not want the other spouse to gain anything by participating in Mediation and will refuse cooperation just to spite the other. Some will find it hard to keep the focus on practical problem-solving and will continue to bring up past hurts to hinder mediation.
1. Withholding Financial Information
Refusal to disclose all financial information; a Spouse sabotages the mediation process. When the mediation proceedings get serious, and it is time to make some agreements, the spouse withholding the financial information usually sabotages the process.
When negotiating during a divorce settlement, financial disclosures play a significant role in negotiating terms concerning property division, child support and alimony, household expenses, retirement, debts, and investment properties. This information only becomes useful when both parties are open and honest with each other during these negotiations.
Mediators in Oklahoma City, Moore, and Edmond are no exception and often have seen where a husband or wife either withholds crucial business interest information, bank account information, investments, or their employment information. It can either be for purposes of hiding something or simply out of unorganization or a general lack of ability to get organized.
2. Using Delays as a Strategy
Some spouses proceed with mediation because they truly want to make it work for them. Others proceed because it is a requirement for a lawsuit to be continued. These spouses can be amicable in the beginning and have their own agenda: to subtly obstruct the mediation process at every turn.
They miss meetings. Also, they delay responses to messages. They repeatedly ask for more time. Additionally, they are unprepared for mediation sessions. They fail to timely produce documents and provide them. All of these delays may be viewed individually and inconsequential, but when they happen together, they prevent mediation from having the opportunity to work.
Family mediator, Oklahoma City, OK many see individuals in mediation who seem determined to negotiate. However, they are by no means moving forward on the points to actually resolve the case. The reasons are diverse, some anticipate that the conditions will develop organically, others want to see financial hardship wear down the resistance of the opposing spouse, some simply don’t desire to make tough alternatives. But irrespective of the cause, delays create problems all around, for mediators and the parties who want a conclusion.
3. Refusing to Compromise on Any Issue
Flexibility is the Name of the Mediation Game, and it is the process of flexible thinking. However, mediation does not mean that each spouse will give in to an unfair proposal. It means that each person will explore alternative options and potential solutions. Some spouses may be sabotaging mediation from the start.
Some spouses enter mediation with a pre-determined outcome, and they won’t consider any other result. It could be something silly or something major, and one spouse is locked into it. For example, a spouse might insist they want to keep the old family cabin, regardless of its financial significance or value, for tax purposes.
Maybe one spouse simply refuses to modify an existing custody schedule even when the circumstances clearly require it. Our mediators in Oklahoma City and Norman, OK, routinely see discussions devolve when both parties refuse to yield. If every suggestion is instantly thrown under the bus, a resolution can’t happen.
4. Turning Mediation Into a Personal Attack Session
A huge number of relationships fall apart, leaving emotional wounds. While these feelings are often understandable, you won’t see any mediation going effectively when you continually feel the need to insult, blame, or hurt the other person at each session. It’s common for mediation clients to talk about marital arguments that happened years ago, the flaws of their partners, or mistreatment throughout their marriage during the mediation process.
While they should concentrate on the kids and money, they concentrate instead on beating back their adversary. Because of this, mediation turns into nothing better than taking your opponent to court. Personal attacks may also take a toll.
When, after three unproductive meetings, they decide enough is enough, you can guarantee that will be their very last session. Your couple needs to do more than respect each other; they need to concentrate on moving forward, not past battles.
5. Involving Friends and Family in Every Decision
In divorce, support systems are extremely helpful, right from family and friends to coworkers. All people around the grieving party help make the transition a bit easier. Though at some point, the outside influence on every mediation proposal can be counterproductive. I’ve also worked with family mediators who will not hear of one or the other spouse, to make a decision about one offer made within the sessions.
Instead, each offer is then “researched with multiple relatives or friends,” and then it becomes impossible to go back into, because family has differing opinions, and they’ll suggest to each family member or each friend totally different tactics!
Oklahoma City divorce mediators regularly point out that no two divorces are the same. Friends and relatives are typically unaware of the total picture that’s involved when it comes to finances, co-parenting, the legal system, or the individual realities of the couple involved. Such input can be comforting but will rarely represent the best plan from a strategic point of view.
Support from friends or family is often wonderful, but it’s important that no one is pushing the couple to make mediation choices that have nothing to do with the actual case involved. The chorus of voices may soon be more confusing than informative.
6. Using Children as Leverage
Child Abuse Nothing spoils the process of mediation faster than involving a couple’s children in the disputes surrounding their marriage. Sadly, this is a strategy that occurs with some frequency during high-conflict divorces. Parents might attempt to use a parenting schedule as leverage.
Children thrive when their co-parent chooses stability over revenge for decision-making for their child. Leveraging children, more often than not, has lasting consequences and fallout well beyond the divorce.
The best possible divorce mediation resolution happens when each parent puts the children first above their animosity towards the other parent. Even in extremely high-emotion cases, it will still be best for preserving better family relationships in the future if each of you remembers this priority above your personal needs.
7. Communicating Through Emotion Instead of Facts
Emotions naturally rise during divorce. No mediator will expect the participants to maintain strict impartiality. The difficulty comes when the emotions supersede reasonable dialogue. Some divorcing spouses express anger with every proposition made.
Other spouses are defensive at all times, no matter what the particular item up for debate is. The focus moves away from concrete needs and into an arena of emotional discourse. For mediator services helping Oklahoma City area families mediate disputes, the goal remains to help the couple distinguish between decisions and emotions whenever possible.
Comparing and discussing school schedules for your child, for instance, is a practical topic. Debating an old dispute that happened seven years ago likely is not. Use the facts to reach a solution.
Don’t try to make emotional accusations. These can just make the disagreement worse. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be in tune with your feelings. They should just not be front and center of every conversation you have. When they are being put on display during every part of the mediation conversation, that conversation is going to get out of sync very quickly.
8. Agreeing During Sessions but Resisting Afterwards
I call one type of sabotage sabotage because it is so insidious and infuriating. A person who seemed very conciliatory in mediation will, for reasons known only to them, reverse direction entirely between sessions. When negotiations end for the day, the same “resolved” issues become unresolvable problems.
The behavior itself is extremely negative because it erodes trust in the system. Your partner might start to doubt whether ANY of the agreement is true. Trust evaporates. Frustration will grow.
Honesty is a required ingredient for Mediation to be effective. If there is a problem, you need to voice it prior to settling the agreement. A temporary agreement that fails will usually cause more headaches than simply addressing the problem now.
How Experienced Mediators Respond to These Challenges
What experienced family mediators know for sure, however, is that there is a problem no matter where they go. The best and brightest negotiators resolve these issues. These mediators know that their job isn’t simply to mediate discussions, but to bring roadblocks that jeopardize productive discussions to an end. One tool in their repertoire involves sabotaging disruptive behaviors.
There are various tactics that mediators will use, from imposing document deadline limits to redirecting the topic or conducting separate meetings. In many cases, mediators coach people to identify what concern(s) of their life are causing this sabotaging behavior.
If you think that someone seems unreasonable, perhaps they are fearful of the financial position of your shared household after the divorce. The husband who does not want to move forward could feel vulnerable in his child custody situation when he knows the two of you will move forward into separate and apart home lives.
You’ll often be able to lessen some of that resistance and enhance that spirit of cooperation when you address these issues with her direct response. It isn’t the aim of this technique, nonetheless, to eliminate all conflict, or any of it for that issue. The actual target of mediation is always to enable you to continue making worthwhile choices, whereas there’s still that friction present in the courtroom.
Why Cooperation Ultimately Benefits Both Parties
For some, entering the divorce process with a willing partner equates to giving up all hope. However, for many, cooperating instead of fighting will actually empower them more than litigating. When divorced individuals are in court, they will decide for an unknown third party to make decisions. These concern some things about your house and household.
In mediation, you, along with your spouse, determine exactly what works best for all concerned.
Working with your partner often produces more useful, longer-term solutions than do court-ordered results. It will save dollars that would usually go to attorneys. This is often incredibly useful for family members in Oklahoma areas, plus neighboring communities. The more cooperative each celebration seems to be towards the divorce proceeding, the higher the chance of reaching agreements that offer stability in your homes.
Final Thoughts
Across Oklahoma City family and divorce mediation cases, mediators can and do witness any number of behaviors. Those who undermine the very viability of the system. Behaviors such as hiding assets, delaying discussions, refusing to concede on issues, name-calling, and overreliance on others for decision-making input.
It also includes manipulating children as part of the negotiation. Also, communicating based on emotion rather than reason, and reneging on agreed points post-mediation. There might be a moment’s gratification and an ‘advantage’ gained in the short run. However, there is rarely any benefit, other than costs, time, and effort wasted in fighting for no good reason.
